The Journal of Desiree Onasis: Entry Two
The following is the second journal entry of Desiree Onasis, as it follows events in Case Eight: Healing. Please listen to the episode first. You can listen to the latest episodes of Kalila Stormfire's Economical Magick Services wherever you get your podcasts.
Today is October 21. I had another session with Kal yesterday. She helped with my hand which, if I’m being honest, I was hiding how much I had been avoiding doing some of the targeted therapy for my hand. It was weird. Like I would go down the checklist; apply salve, entone my name until I felt warm, hold tiger iron until I no longer felt tingly, massage my feet and hands. I would conveniently forget I’d skipped over my left hand until after I had put everything away and had to go to work.
I don’t like the fact that my body and my soul are not cooperating. It feels bad, like I’m letting some part of my humanity down. Maybe in some way I am. I’ve been neglecting my physical body. Which is a shame. Shame never really did anything to change my mind about anything, but I guess my past really does stick to me more than I’d like to think.
I decided to get back into trance work the past few days, not full on projecting mind you, just some light exploring firmly tethered to my body. I wanted to dive deeper into the problems I’ve been having with my body. It was interesting. I keep ending up in a facsimile of my grandmother’s house, looking at the fireplace. I hear whispers but I can never parse out what’s being said. My dreams have been centering around my grandmother too. Last night she was taking me to the barber, which she refused to do when she was alive so I'm not sure if it's wishful thinking or something more.
I have a feeling like whatever happened to me, or whatever part of me is less concerned with being you know, physically here, is related to my family.
Also. I did it. I asked Kal out. Well, okay maybe I was a little more opaque about it but I decided to celebrate finally being able to feel my hands completely by un-becoming Kal’s client and asking her to lunch. Because of course casual dating should be frowned upon when there’s a patient-doctor like relationship. I’m not that stupid. Besides, I was mostly telling the truth when I said I needed an ancestor specialist. The thing is, I don’t know if Kal sees me the same way, or if she’s even not-straight. She’s a little opaque that way, too. Who knows. She texts me back frequently enough at least to warrant a little bit of hope I think.
In other news, work is better now that I’m not missing meetings because I didn’t want to let people know I couldn’t feel when someone taps me on the shoulder. Aphrodite has given me some assistance in my daily rituals to include some more self-love elements. It fits well with some of my favored meditations with Her about art and beauty. She gave me a great nugget of wisdom this morning, actually. She said that we only see half the picture of anything we see as beautiful if we cannot see it in ourselves.
So the gallery is planning a big turnout for the Halloween exhibition. Clarice is excited because the opening night act is her favorite band, a trio of Selkies who apparently rock out on ukuleles. I guess I should check them out before I find out last minute that they are being held on land or stage against their will.
UPDATE: Turns out the White Pelts are not being held against their will. They actually traded each other’s skins with one another after they married. I got to spend some time with them after their dress rehearsal yesterday, too. The percussionist, Bjorn, kept curling up with her wedding gift and napping between breaks. They are mind-numbingly adorable, in my opinion.